Tag: Wellness

CODEPENDENCY

CODEPENDENCY

by Kirsten Rossouw ♥ 4 Comments

I feel like the term, ‘codependency’ has loosely been thrown around with little understanding. It has formed a debate centered on the idea that dependency is necessary and of course natural. We are human beings with a level of interconnectedness that is undeniable. We do depend on others in terms of our shared experiences, growth, and well-being. And although true to a certain extent, the aspects of codependency do not exist in healthy relationships but rather in toxic kinds.

Codependency is described as a circular relationship, a cycle that feeds both the giver and taker. The giver in the relationship is known as the person who needs to be needed whereas the taker is comfortable with the idea that their needs are being met, even at the expense of the giver.
Phew, mouthful. Simply put, it refers to one’s reliance on another person- mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually.
This type of ‘relationship addiction is not limited to intimate, romantic relationships but may develop in any relationship – a boss, parent, or friend.

A codependent person forms their identity around helping others. They need to be needed. They constantly feel like they need to save others from themselves and jump to the rescue. The caretaker / giver is willing to meet the other person’s need by sacrificing their own. It is this one-sided dynamic that provides them with self-worth and emotional validation. Their focus is purely outside of themselves as their actions revolve around others. There is no balance in this relationship- but rather a skewed sense of control and ownership of another person’s needs and feelings. Often when you allow yourself to be responsible for another person’s happiness, resentment follows shortly. You now feel trapped. Being alone scares you because you believe you cannot function independently. Two scared- insecure adults reliant on one another to feel whole.
Control plays a vital role, the giver enjoys being needed and the taker is too reliant to leave so they both almost hold each other hostage in a toxic cycle.

Codependent people do not recognize their innate value and rather place that on their exaggerated sense of responsibility for others. They confuse love and pity. They often love people they pity- which intensifies their need to rescue. This unhealthy attachment breeds emotional manipulation, people-pleasing, and zero boundaries. This type of relationship can become abusive quickly, where partners make excuses for harmful behavior. They tolerate and contribute to the toxic behavior, but still, they endure it as the fear of being alone is far greater.

Now the more you read the more you may realize that at some stage we may have either been a giver or taker and entered a codependent relationship. But why?

Codependency is deeply rooted in our childhood. It is considered ‘learned behavior’ something that has been modeled to us, given circumstances that have the power to shape our view of what love is. Many children who grow up in households where their needs are unmet may be forced to grow up quickly. Their role may shift from child to caretaker, an almost ‘parent to their parent’. They take care of things beyond their age and experience, especially in homes riddled with addiction- waking up their parents for work, household chores, caretaking of siblings who now become their “children.” Their parent’s lack of responsibility is not understood and so their identity from young is formed around caretaking and rescuing those close to them. Children growing up in abusive homes may feel like they always need to defend or protect their parents- they often become a confidante. They ignore their needs and are taught to repress their feelings and emotions, thus developing a lack of self-esteem. Emotional abuse can make one feel small and insignificant, using codependent behaviors from a young are ways to adapt and are used in survival. However, the behaviors must become ‘unlearned’ at a later stage or at least identified to break the cycle of these dynamics progressing as an adult.

Other scenarios include homes where parents make all decisions and give them no independence or freedom. Their pathway and life plan have been made and this gives them a falsehood of the world we world in. They become complacent and comfortable with decisions being made for them and life being controlled. This too- is a start of codependency.

The start to fixing codependent behaviors is taking the time to learn where and why they began. Identifying is the first step. This can be done through the help of therapy which allows you to recognize and accept repressed emotions. We must know the why before working on the how.
We must learn to develop boundaries, sometimes the hardest thing to say ‘no’ but it is also necessary. We all have limitations to protect ourselves boundaries allow us to form a healthy way of not overexerting and drowning in others’ needs.
Another habit worth cutting out is rather than saving – try supporting. Save- means attempting to fix their problems for them, support means encouraging them to fix the problem for themselves. As we all know too well, it is part of life to fix your problems and learn from your mistakes. There is no growth if you’re using someone as a crutch to do so. No lesson can come if you’re comfortable with being saved. Also, an important point to note is not all problems can be fixed solely, an individual may need a form of rehab or therapy.
Another way to cut down on codependent behavior is to take time for self-care and work on your needs and desires. When your attention turns to someone else, play around with your feelings and figure out what you might need. Put yourself first and make yourself a priority.

Interdependency must replace codependency.
Individuals can depend on each other but have a separate autonomous relationship with themselves. They depend on each other’s affections as their lives are intertwined, however, they understand that it is not their duty to fulfill one’s dreams, desires, and needs. They can honor and respect their individuality and understand themselves enough to be complete on their own. They do not need the relationship but are committed to it but mostly their selves first. They can navigate their emotions and feelings without sacrificing or hiding parts of themselves for others. This friends breeds a healthy relationship and trumps the confusion between codependency and interdependency.

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU

by Kirsten Rossouw ♥ 2 Comments

Although January is behind us, it’s never too late to revaluate some of our new year resolutions and step away from the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves year after year. It’s okay,
we’ve all been there before.
It’s no surprise we leap into the new year, ready to take on the world with promises to be better, as it is forever, followed by a holiday season filled with indulgence. That over-indulgence tends to make us feel guilty -particularly the excess consumption of food and drink. Leaving many feeling like a detox or cleanse is in order. And what better time than the new year to start cleansing habits, bodies, and minds.

The new year provides a fresh start effect, the idea that we are ‘offered’ a blank slate, a new beginning. And yes, this landmark represents a ‘rebirth’ which is comforting and appealing to most- that there is time to go back to the drawing board and make the necessary changes. The comfort draws from the fact that one can almost psychologically distance themselves from the “old you”- past mistakes and failures are now associated with the person you were and not with the person you aim to be. The appeal, of course, is wrapped around the opportunity to do so. We view our lives in stages, so an occasion like New Year that causes a break in time, a division of our past and future is a ‘chance’ for any human seeking redemption.

However, even with the glittering hope, that ‘chance’ provides, turning a new leaf comes with a new set of pressures. We are impatient with the change we seek, which often leads us to set unrealistic goals and achievements. Often, very little introspection goes into our goal setting- it’s usually vague and basic: this year I want to work harder, I want to get a promotion, I want to eat better, drink less, exercise more.

The first problem our above goals present is that they’re usually associated with appearance, work, or personal pursuits. Our goals rarely center around our mental health or share any connection to spiritual atonement. It is far easier for one to criticize their outer appearance than to look within. People will always notice the change on our exterior and I suppose that motivates the change. It holds more weight when others witness our change than ourselves- absurd right?

Our second issue is ambiguity and the lack of specific, clear goals. Our goals tend to be massive changes that are often daunting, to begin with- because we simply don’t know where to begin. We usually last a few weeks and then it’s a wrap.

The third problem occurs whilst struggling with our goal and eventually when we have given up. It’s the negative self-talk and criticizing we constantly do when we feel like we are not meeting our goals. As soon as we feel like we’re drifting from our goals or breaking promises to ourselves we start to affect our mental health with how hard we beat ourselves up. We are our biggest critics, the failure of not having achieved your goal can lead to self-loathing. We begin to feel worthless. Many end up feeling worse than they did before they set out their goals, merely because they feel like their incapable of the change they desire. Even after dedicating time to set goals, they have still fallen short. We speak the negativity into existence and end up with a cynical view of new year resolutions. Until next year.

So how do we set ourselves up for success when it comes to new year resolutions.

We begin with examining ourselves and observing things we would like to change not only physically, but mentally too. Picture the person you aspire to be v.s who you are now and create a vision of what you seek to change whether that be how you communicate with others, being kinder to yourself, or making time for self-care. Do not merely make your goals work orientated or physical- there is a fulfillment you will only unlock if you include your mental health too. Making it a priority will, in turn, service your other goals.

Making specific goals is key.
If you wish to limit your screen time this year, jot down the activities you aim to replace it with. If you want to make sleep a priority this year, look into a nightly routine that will allow you to rest earlier and easier. If your goal is to lose weight instead of setting a vague goal of exercise more- look into the specific weight range you desire to be, how often you can exercise- realistically and what workouts will help you achieve that goal.
Break your goals down into smaller attainable steps. Go into detail on how, when, and where you’ll achieve them. This makes one more motivated when your goals are not running away from you but rather can be achieved. For example, if you wish to change your drinking habits instead of going cold turkey which is harder to maintain, rather look at cutting down consumption or make a plan to enjoy it in moderation.

Introduce a pathway to reach your goal by adding motivational factors like rewards and incentives. If you meet a deadline or unlock a milestone you are allowed x,y, and z. Be fun and creative with your goals that way it doesn’t feel like a tedious task but rather something you look forward to. It is imperative that you feel connected to your goals that way achieving them becomes more personally rewarding.

Work on reframing your negative talks and cutting down on comparisons. Speak healthy positive- talk and look into affirmations/ mantras that can get inspired when it comes to your goals. Remove the doubt and criticism by being kinder to yourself. Do not place unnecessary pressure if it feels daunting look at reevaluating the goal. It’s not giving up if you’re modifying your goal so that it is more attainable. Draw from inspirations and look at motivational material on positive self-talk. Get your head in a space where it can accommodate your goals and plans.
Do not watch others, stay in your lane and know that your goals are tailored to you specifically, do not be easily moved by what the next person is doing. Like you, their goal is personal and may not match what you need.

Lastly- accept your failures and learn to forgive yourself. You may fall short but do not become your own demise. Instead, look at where you went wrong, what you may need to change about the goal itself, and go from there. Adjust your goals and make peace with the why. We tend to look deeply into our shortcomings and failures, hence why we choose certain new year resolutions- but we must acknowledge our growth and improvement too. You may have not reached it but you still got closer.
The glass is half full not half empty.

HOLIDAY STRESS

HOLIDAY STRESS

by Kirsten Rossouw ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The festive season is hands down my favorite time of the year. I’m sure many share this sentiment, but for me, it’s mostly because there is no place like home during December, more specifically the 031 – nothing but vibes. It’s a time for special family memories, decorating, social gatherings, and of course – good food. Or at least that is what the holiday season is associated with, giving, relaxing, and recuperating.
I would hope that after this holiday season people feel recharged, but for many, the pressure of fulfilling and living up to these ‘expectations’ is a nightmare that is finally over.

The shared consensus in preparation for the holiday season is perfection and nothing less. People are committed to having a special magical time, and that desire can lead to disappointment. We expect everyone will be happy over this time, being anything but that is frowned upon. Many feel judged for feeling lonely during a time that values togetherness. A period in the year where the only emotion one should be experiencing is pure bliss. However, this isn’t the case for many. It’s the exact opposite.

For individuals who have recently lost a loved one or currently experiencing family problems, it can be a triggering time of the year. It can remind them of their loved ones and sometimes it may be the very person who was the glue of the family. The person who brought everyone together and made the festive time memorable. Re-triggering feelings of grief and loss. Those estranged from close family who have distant, challenging relationships experience sadness and alienation over this time. The festive period can be a source of distress and misery, feeling judged and blamed by peers for not having family plans. Many are dependent on their friendship dynamics during this time and feel embarrassed to intrude on family time.
Others may meet up with family members they have an ‘uncomfortable’ past with but cannot avoid. Forced to be ‘fake’ and put your best foot forward to keep the peace can be demanding during a time of celebration.
Quite frankly, many households may not have much to celebrate in the last few years and simply cannot afford the ‘bliss’ others can. So yes, you see why many welcome January with open arms.

Stress over this time can also stem from having to organize, plan and execute the festivities for others. The pressure sometimes solely lies on one person to create an ambiance for everyone. When responsibilities are not evenly split, people can be overwhelmed with preparing every detail of their celebrations. It definitely can be taxing, the weight of the holidays on an individual. Catering to everyone’s needs and ironically having zero relaxation during the holidays.

Then comes our friend comparison. Comparing during the festive time is the stressor that pulls many into ‘excess.’ Doing the most and more- because Susie’s lights blind the block more than yours. Once you begin comparing, you will always fall short- because you create assumptions about others’ reality and their experience based on what they have.
Every family dynamic is different, do not place your happiness on how lavishly others choose to celebrate, a meal around the table together with the people you love is priceless. No two families are the same. Hence, they will not ‘celebrate’ the same.

Although stress during the festive can have many worn out with the financial toll and energy expended, the aftermath for others can be worse. Sometimes building up this momentous time and facing the reality that it is over can feel like the highlight of the year has come and gone. January can feel dead and empty as reality sets in. The magic is over and life feels ordinary again. The cycle starts, as we await the next festive season.

But this year it will be different. We will be conscious about the haves and have nots. We will embrace and welcome those into our homes, with the belief that a warm meal can go a long way. We will focus on the simplicities of life and celebration. We will understand our roles during the festive time and make sure we contribute in our capacity. We will not be ‘moved’ by excess and consumerism but rather be motivated by realistic expectations. We will prioritize self-care during the holidays and check in on our peers. We will use the festive time as a mark for introspection and self-growth. Instead of racing through the months until the next festive, we will use that time to measure our improvement.
Who will you be this December?
I certainly hope – not stressed.

MENTAL HEALTH A HUMAN RIGHT?

MENTAL HEALTH A HUMAN RIGHT?

by Kirsten Rossouw ♥ 1 Comment

I feel like human rights exist in a latent form. There, but not really.

Under the UN definition, human rights are supposedly for everyone, regardless of race, religion, sex, nationality, ethnicity, etc. It claims one should have the right to life and healthcare. The right to freedom from slavery and torture, the right to work and be educated. Including one’s right to freely express themselves and share their opinion. Indeed they do sound like principles that promote equality and embrace human dignity. But on the surface though.

We are aware that many people across the globe can wake up with such privileges, whereas others do not have access to fundamental human rights. Although the ‘rights’ are outlined for us, they serve no purpose if there is no execution of these rights in many parts of the world. To be honest, most countries do not fully adhere to all human rights. Some even failed to sign the declaration like South Africa because they feared it could potentially disrupt the practices of racial segregation and discrimination at the time. The historic reign of self-serving governments, rewarding the rich while kneecapping the poor. Political repression isn’t something new and of course, governments continue to practice it. As long as corruption, dictatorship, and inaction exist -human rights will remain idealistic. A set of rights that pursue ‘aspirations’ of a better world instead of reality. They appear ambitious – a far reach for a society that thrives off inequality. The other issue is the lack of belief in these rights. Many communities would view these rights as a luxury not afforded to them. Something like the green light in the Great Gatsby – an intangible dream. What affirms one’s disbelief is the failure of the UN to accomplish its ideals. We are selling people a fantasy & many aren’t buying it. At this point, the rights are mere words – a piece of paper summarizing what one should have access to with no effective action.

Mental health has been placed on the back-burner in terms of policymaking, law, and reform. So, of course, it wasn’t defined in terms of our ‘basic’ human rights. Physical health has always received attention with regards to budgeting and medical education. Mental health has had a more difficult journey due to stigma and discrimination. For centuries it has suffered from a lack of understanding. However, the World Health Organisation recently redefined health as a ” state of complete mental, social and physical well-being, instead of the absence of disease or illness.” Slowly integrating the right to mental well-being.

Human rights violations affect one’s mental health. Being stripped of ‘basic’ human rights can take a toll on an individual. Having your freedom limited in some places is an everyday reality. Sadly it has become a norm and left many feeling that being free is a fragment of their imagination. It’s more than enough for the onset of a mental illness. With our current global stats sitting at 1 in 4 people experiencing a mental condition, the focus should promptly shift to fulfilling these rights. Providing mental health services for all and making sure it is accessible. Currently, the inequality between physical and mental health services puts many in a position where they cannot seek help because it simply isn’t available. In some countries, the only support is psychiatric institutions which have violated numerous human rights in the past. The ignorance towards the field resulted in the maltreatment of patients and exacerbated the way others viewed them. Treated as outcasts, prisoners of their minds and the system. Patients were disrespected and offered zero dignity. They were denied privacy and became bystanders in consultations regarding their treatment options. Patients were managed like criminals excluded from any decision-making. Typically one would be briefed on all options before they choose. But most were deemed ‘incompetent of making decisions for themselves.’ A place that had the power to offer security, stability, and help became patients’ worst nightmare. Our response to illness of the mind was captivity, forced sterilizations, and abuse.
Outdated practices that neglect holistic community-based support. Torture and victimization of patients have left a dark stain on how we view mental health and treat it. Before we consider solutions, we must understand the rights each individual possesses. Patients must be offered liberty and autonomy with their treatment options, they have the right to refuse and should not be labeled incompetent for doing so. The idea should always be to help and assist the patient, therefore practicing any seclusion or alienation is counterproductive. This creates further anxiety, stress, and fear in the patient. They have rights and should not be penalized because one cannot visibly see their illness.

The priority now should be catering to the whole population by developing cost-effective alternatives. Poverty is linked to mental health. The trauma and economic strain can be taxing on one’s well-being. People are caught in a cycle of living with mental conditions because they cannot afford it. When you need to put food on the table, overpriced healthcare isn’t even a thought. We must serve the needs of the less fortunate – they should not feel like their mental health is unattainable, among other human rights. Mental health must not become another elusive human right. It needs to be built into policy and reform followed by action. To acquire ‘belief’ in the system and move away from stigma – the words must have meaning in the form of hands-on progress. People must visibly see the changes instead of longing for a false promise. Which, yes, is how most politicians get by. But yet years later we find ourselves in a position where we understand our problems but refuse to solve them.